Escargot Delirium

When in Rome Brussels, do as the Romans Belgians do

Well, that's not as easy as you might think. My friend Banana stayed this weekend, and we decided to make like a tourist and explore the city.

So on Friday evening, we ate pesto pasta and watched A Little Princess and It Takes Two in our pyjamas with wine. Tres Belgique n'est pas?

Saturday dawned fair and bright so we began our Belgian day with a pastry and a smoothie which we devoured as we sauntered to the Metro station. A café break for coffee and tea (and a small piece of dark chocolate) allowed Banana to practise her French. "I'd like a cup of tea please." followed closely by "Oh, could I have some milk?"

So far so good.

Journey to the centre of the Earth Brussels

Our amble took us under the ornate jubilee arch and across the park, before coming to the ugliest building in Brussels, aka the EU building which gives you that warm, cosy feeling of David Cameron kicking ass here a few weeks ago.

Next stop - via the square that is full of fountains in the summer, meaning that everyone runs across it just in case they suddenly come on - is Parc Leopold and the Palace. However, neither of these wonders was quite as exciting as a hot waffle from a van, and a statue of a naked lady.


Past the funky clock and into the cathedral, which is full of camera flashes, despite the many signs (in about 8 languages) asking visitors to not use flash.

And so into the Grand Place. Many intakes of breath, but all this is forgotten almost immediately with the sight of the wonderful Manneken Pis (dressed in what appeared to be school uniform) and the Belgian chocolates. For what is more amazing than a small statue of a boy weeing, and 6 boxes of chocolates for €9.90?

High above the mucky-muck, castle made of clouds

After a light lunch (croque-monsieur and omelette), we perused the shops. This was rather tedious however, because they were full of people. So we abandoned this and hopped on a metro to Heizel - home of a wonderful picture of Brussels Sprouts with the slogan 'Brusselicious'. Excellent.

Of course there is also a remarkable statue thing in the shape of an atom - the Atomium - and we decided to pay a visit to the top. The view came at a price (€11), but we went to the exhibition as well. This involved climbing up and down a lot of stairs and escalators, pretending to be interested in an event that happened over 50 years ago, when actually we were just taking silly photos amongst all the architectural models.



Nothing for it but to return on the tram and read educational magazines (Heat and Closer), and have a nutritious snack (truffles).

Forget all your troubles, forget all your cares and go down town

SO - time for traditional Belgian cuisine, and we headed back into the centre - destination: Tourist Alley. The trick is to make it to the other end without going into a restaurant... I'm getting better! This time, we managed to snare a free glass of champagne, and 3 courses for a reasonable €12. Excellent. In we went.

Naturally being tres belgique we chose escargots a l'ail so the waiter brought over our implements. My first thought was that they were for curling my hair, or scraping plaque off my teeth. However, on closer inspection I could see they were tong-like things for picking up snails, and a sharp prodder for stabbing them?

Mr Waiter approached the table, "is it your first time madame?" (Now I thought this was quite an impertinent question, so gave him my best stare). He then explained to ze eenglish peegs exactly how to eat les escargots, emphasising that it was important to keep the shell within the tongs, whilst stabbing and scraping the dead slug out "otherwise your friend will get a bath". 

Excellent advice, and we got through the starter garlic-free.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes

Obviously, after dinner we wanted a couple of drinks, so after deciding against the Irish karaoke bar with the police outside and a drunken tourist singing Eminem, we found a cocktail bar full of trees. Perfect. 

After trying for 15 minutes to find the Delirium -which had clearly disappeared - our next stop was a clearly 'upmarket' establishment.

Upon entering the pitch black bar, we were shown to a table for two, given menus and allowed to choose our drinks. We ordered, and then I was asked to order again as my choice wasn't available. This I did, and my cocktail appeared. The woman who brought it rubbed her thumb and forefinger together and stared expectantly. She then announced "you owe me a euro" which was odd as she'd given me 3 as change. I started to give her the coin, but she shook her head and said "I owe you a euro". I never got this money... so perhaps she said (as she dumped an ashtray full of crisps in front of us) "they cost a euro". 

After 10mins and a swift "Ou est le boisson de mon ami?" there was still only one drink... and each time he walked past he said "moment, moment".

Meanwhile, a giant disco ball came rolling down the stairs, narrowly missing our table... Shortly after this, the lady who (allegedly) owed me money ran past with a tray of crisps ashtrays which crashed to the floor. These were promptly swept behind a chair...

There's no such thing as a free lunch club entry

After downing the drinks (which came just as we'd decided to leave), we left and made the decision to go to a club we'd been given free entry to... this was a severe error of judgement. It was tiny, and almost empty, and the drinks list consisted of bottles of spirits (€60), special spirits (€70), and a few paupers drinks (one Malibu and coke was €9). Drunken men 'danced' on a block of wood in the middle of the 'club', punching the air and spinning around... I think they were having a fake fight.

Needless to say, we left soon after (at the reasonable time of 12.30), and ended our day in true British style, with two episodes of Mock the Week.